Honesty

This subject has been laid heavily on my heart. What is honesty?


The quality or condition of being honest; integrity.
Truthfulness; sincerity: in all honesty.

I am realizing its not just being honest with other people as in..."did you do this?" but honesty with yourself and your own emotions.
I got a really unexpected apology from my soon to be ex-husband Jason. All these emotions begun to swirl inside of me. He admitted to not being there for me at all in the relationship and not pulling his weight around. He admitted to marrying me for all the wrong reasons such as he didn't want another relationship to end, and he thought marriage would fix everything. Lastly he apologized for the way he ended it by cheating on me and admitted he did cheat because he was all but physically involved with her. He was into her with all his emotion, heart and soul.
Then he went on to say it was really easy at the beginning to lay all the blame on me. To look the other way and pretend life is good and i was just bad. He told me he found God 6 months ago for the first time in his life. He had always believed their was a God and believed he was a Christian but not eat, breath, live for God. He said through this his girlfriend, Jessica, has come to find God too and was baptisted this past Sunday.
Here is where i began to have the swirlly emotions. The fight inside between wanting to have God smite him where he stood....or.....to let it go. To allow Christ to fully work inside of me to let the puss and green goo of built up hate and anger flow out of my heart and soul. The honesty on my part is to really allow this to be gone. To finally once and for all hand this over to God. But the hurt part of my soul cried out this was too much to bear...to allow forgivness to a man who had cut me so hard to the bone....
But then a funny thing happened. God showed me again what happened to His son due to MY sin due to MY human nature. And He showed me the mercy and love God gave to me when i was LEAST of all deserving of it.
He had forgiven me...my sins were as far as the east is from the west. Honesty is saying how can i not give forgiveness when my own Father forgave me before i ever knew Him.
Humility is a very humbling experience. At once i realize what honesty is. Its turning to God saying "I'm hurt, but i don't want to experience this pain any longer. What is done is done, and You are Lord over it all. Please take this pain and make beauty from ashes."
He gave His all for me, why can't i do the same for Him? If it begins with me finally saying i do forgive and I allow Him to heal me and let me truly move on serving Him....then this is what i am to do this day. Things in this world happen...a lot we can't control...but the things we can control we should using Him as our example. He forgave me therefore i will forgive all others.