Today I was thinking about the first time I saw a homeless person. I was eleven on a sixth grade field trip to Washington DC. We were getting off the bus and as I was waiting I stared out the window. I saw this quite dirty man with a starkly beard pushing around a buggy filled with old rags, cans, and a gallon of water. I remember being confused as to why someone would choose to push around a nasty cart and dress how he was dressing.
It never occurred to me ppl actually are homeless and sleep on the streets with no food. My dad explain this heartbreaking fact to me and I was instantly filled with sadness. How awful it must be. My next thought was how I wanted to give him something. I had a whole bag of cookies that my dad took to him.
I wanted to help, simple. But then for the rest of the trip I was praised for how nice and sweet I was. To me it was a normal thing, instinct, someones in trouble you help. Problem was I enjoyed the praise. So simple giving began to intermingle with pride.
I believe this happens to everyone in life. Things begin with a simple, unjaded, raw emotion. Then ppl, pride, selfishness taint the pureness and joy of giving.
This can be said of relationships, love, life. Its when doing things for others come at a price. When you expect something back wither its money, a favor, or pride as in "look what I did". God didn't mean for us to live this way.
Giving of ones self is supposed to be self less. This doesn't mean if someone is continually tapping your resources you should let them. But for those who truly need and deserve it, then yes we should be self less in our love and time and if it is available financial.
I realize the only person we can control is ourselves. So this is my new year resolution, although a bit late, is to live a pure life this year and on out. Pure and simple, not these mean terrors ways of others but living the example Christ gave. Pure and simple.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
unWanted...
I hate to see ppl hurt. I hate them clashing head on with problems esp if they are a repeat offender with that specific problem.
I want to help, I want to ease their burden. Problem is ppl become attached to said problem. Its their baby, their constant. Its become familiar to them, their safety blanket. Without being able to grip about it, they lose what they deem important. This problem(s) give them a part of their identity.
The trap I fall into is thinking they want out. Thinking they actually want to leave this burden behind them. They don't. Its become like and extra arm or leg, they identify with and are identify by it. Like some women who are overweight but truly don't take steps to fix it. Or adults who had abusive childhoods. Instead of wanting to work through the emotions they cling to them. Or divorced spouses. Instead of moving on letting go, they hold on tightly.
Then I make the mistake of intervening. Thinking they actually are expressing their feelings and concerns to me as something to work through.
No sadly its just something else to hold on to. Something else to grasp. If I'm not careful I fall into the same pit get wound by the same cord of despise.
This isn't me though. I'm tired of the knot in my stomach and shaking hands. I'm tired of the dooms day it brings. I don't like dwelling in sorrow and pity. I like taking the bulls by the horn, fix what I can and let God deal with the rest.
The realization is not everyone feels this way. Many many ppl enjoy the lake of despair. Not me not this gal. Every cloud has a silver lining, every rainbow has a pot of gold.
I want to help, I want to ease their burden. Problem is ppl become attached to said problem. Its their baby, their constant. Its become familiar to them, their safety blanket. Without being able to grip about it, they lose what they deem important. This problem(s) give them a part of their identity.
The trap I fall into is thinking they want out. Thinking they actually want to leave this burden behind them. They don't. Its become like and extra arm or leg, they identify with and are identify by it. Like some women who are overweight but truly don't take steps to fix it. Or adults who had abusive childhoods. Instead of wanting to work through the emotions they cling to them. Or divorced spouses. Instead of moving on letting go, they hold on tightly.
Then I make the mistake of intervening. Thinking they actually are expressing their feelings and concerns to me as something to work through.
No sadly its just something else to hold on to. Something else to grasp. If I'm not careful I fall into the same pit get wound by the same cord of despise.
This isn't me though. I'm tired of the knot in my stomach and shaking hands. I'm tired of the dooms day it brings. I don't like dwelling in sorrow and pity. I like taking the bulls by the horn, fix what I can and let God deal with the rest.
The realization is not everyone feels this way. Many many ppl enjoy the lake of despair. Not me not this gal. Every cloud has a silver lining, every rainbow has a pot of gold.
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