The Beginning

Its usually quite hard to tell where one chapter in a book ends and a new one begins without the chapter headers. In life we are not given such a clear and defientive separation of the different parts. Some are easier to see than others, like graduating from schools or a career. But how do you know when it all seems to run together?So far in my life it's been just one long chapter or it's how it has seemed. The shift i am going through right now seems to be the biggest one yet...hopefully the most dramatic.
My separation from my ex, Jason Keene, will be a year at the end of march. According to South Carolina law one must be seperated for a year before you can even take it to court. It's an uncontested divorce but not because i wanted it at the time. To begin a new chapter, one must put the past to rest, and i guess that's what i am doing with this blog. Will anyone ever actually read it? I don't know, really don't care, not really the point. The Point is to get it out and begin a new chapter of my life, whole and compelete.
I met jason off of match.com...i know how silly. From the beginning it was a huge mismatch between us. I am very extervert, outgoing, friendly, etc. He was very painfully quiet. Since our seperation I have been going to a therapist to help not only to deal with such a shock to the system but to figure why and how i got in the position i did. I have the nurturing, caring type of personality. I want to be taken care of but i have a strong impulse to help others, sometimes to a point of dening myself what i need from a partner.
Anyways we starting dating and i got to know him more and more. I was in college trying to finish my degree in Biology and Chemistry and he was living at home working at Wal-mart. I was quite taken with the fact he claimed to be a Christian and had strong family ties. I enjoyed the attention, the importance that comes with dating someone. My self esteem was also quite low at this time and it just felt good to have someone.
Throughout our relationship we had ups and downs, times when i did call it off and times when i should have never entertained the thoughts of taking him back. We fought a lot. I wanted to live and go out. I wanted to enjoy life, he wanted to stay home and talk to his "girls" one of which would convince him i was no good. And the funny part of that was she was right. He was no good for me, and i not for him.
When you are with someone not on the same level as you, not the same mind thought, not the same ambition, things become frayed. I wanted a partner who loved the Lord whole mind thought and soul as me. When i would try to do evening devotionals with him he would fall asleep, or a prayer partner, he would wuss out of it. Try gettin him to go to church with me, he'ld come up with excuses as to why its so much better to not go cause church is full of hypocrites..i believe church is what you bring to it...if you believe hypocrites are there then usually its cause you are one. You tend to accuse others of what yourself is guility of. And if you are looking for somehting you will usually find it...so if you move your eyes to find loving ppl then that's whats there.
Anyways, it got bad, but i didn't know how to break it, didn't know how to leave cause i was scared if i left, this was before we got married, then he wouldn't know how to survive. I did everything in the relationship from getting the house we lived in to paying the bills to working two jobs to make sure there was enough for us to pay for everything.
I think a lot of people stay with the situation they are with because to them it's normal...its what they know. Changing themselves or their situation puts them into unknown territory. It because too scary, and plus everyone kept telling me how good i was for him, so maybe it was pride.
Anyways the end started with his fasitionation with having girls as friends, cause as he put it he just didn't know how to get along with the man's man. Apart of me still truly believes he could be gay and not realizing it. His family also thought this for a long time before i came along.
Anyways this one girl in particular..he worked with her and she was engaged. So he came to me asking about double dating complaining he wanted friends. Quite a hard thing to do if you're inverted.
So long story short i said sure...they got closer...she and her man didn't know how to love and she became jealous of what we had. Problem is what we had was a mirage....looks good from far away but it's all fake when you get close. Anyways on the outside he looked like he had it together and was responsible, but truthfully i was pulling all the weight. So when i had had enough with her constant calling and him becoming distant i put my foot down and said no more. This lead to them "talking" at work.
On March 27 2008 he calls me at work and tells me hes' in love with her and chooses her. I tried to talk him into couseling, i tried to stop it all from falling around me. He wanted us to contiunue to be friends and help each other out.
What i learned is boundaries are very important, one person shouldn't suck all the life out of another, relationships aren't supposed to be draining, God knows when people talk about loving Him but aren't sincere about it, partners are supposed to be just that, and some people really aren't mature when they pretend to be.
Mirages don't just happen in the desert...they can happen to a person whom you thought was one person and really is just that...a fake, was then and always will be. Person whos talks a good talk at first and tries to look good, but really no substance to back up their talk.
So a new chapter is beginning with a defientive end to the last one. I have and will continue to learn a great deal about myself and thankful knowing God truly has had a hand in all that has come my way. He truly makes beauty from ashes....