Past terrors that sneak up on a perfectly sunny day. That's what nightmares are made up. The past making itself known when one thinks its long been buried.
The wonderful thing though, is the strength gained. All trails, all terrors, all gloomy days can be seen as blessings. Its during these times God truly shows Himself because it when we need Him the most.
When the tides of life threaten, we know He's already secured us a boat, insuring smooth sailing. :)
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Reflections...
Two years ago to the date, I was literally going through Hell. This was the week I found out my then husband was leaving me for another.
This was a shock to my system to say the least.
I thought by now I would be complete free, but as I learned a few weeks ago I still have anger and rage. I do believe its seeping out little by little and mostly I try my best to put it out of my mind, but then things come up. Like a repo man looking for him at my house. A place he's never existed. And I sent him and his whole posse an email, venting.
But I digress.
I want the rage completely gone, so I went searching. I found this article by Cathy Meyer. It was like opening a flood gate allowing my fears to be soothed and my anger doused.
She begans by stating there are two kinds of divorces, one that is bilateral in which both partners agree to leave. The other is unilateral where one is shell shocked. This is compounded when a third party is involved.
My divorce.
What I wanted to understand is what she explained. How could this person whom I knew for years, trusted, respected, loved could suddenly turn on me making me out to be this evil villain. Making it out like I should of known this all along.
Apparently certain psychological things start to happen in the mind of the unfaithful spouse in order to justify their actions. They began comparing their feelings for their spouse to those they have for the new person. Even though they are aware of the immorality of their actions they continue with the relationship meaning dealing with feelings of guilt. These feelings of guilt motivate them to demonize the faithful spouse in an attempt to justify their behavior
.
They will attribute many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. The faithful spouse may be portrayed as an inadequate wife and mother and even accused of being evil.Not only will the faithful spouse be demonized, history will be rewritten to make it appear that he/she has been faulty for the entire duration of the marriage. The unfaithful spouse will recreate the marriage and what happened during the marriage to make it appear that they have suffered much pain and unhappiness throughout the entire marriage. They may say things such as, "I was forced into marrying you" or, "You've never loved me the way I needed to be loved" or, "I have lived in hell for 20 years." He/She will say anything as long as it will enable him/her to appear to have been the victim of the marriage and fully justified in abandoning the family.
The unfaithful spouse will tell their story often and to anyone who will listen, to the point that they will finally begin to truly believe that the left behind spouse deserves to be punished. The faithful spouse is the offender and the persecutor and needs to be dealt with harshly. Punishment will come in the way of financial withholding or, even worse, fighting over custody for any children of the marriage. They may begin to believe that the faithful, demonized spouse is not entitled to receive any future benefits from them, sometimes not even those allowed by law.
In many cases the children will be used as tools to punish the faithful spouse, which leads to bitterness and emotional detriment to the children.
Although I did not have any children, I was punished. He made me feel everything I ever did was the worst thing possible.
Then on top of it he couldn't and still doesn't get why I'm not happy for him or agree with his actions. Meyer says no matter how much the faithful spouse is demoinzed he/she still feels the need of approval.
Just reading this article made my soul lighter. This whole time I still carried the weight of blame. Although I knew we both had short comings I never thought I deserved such awful conquences. I really thought we were happy and enjoying life.
After being out of his reign, I do realize now what true happiness is. I thought I truly was awful, but as this article shows, yes the guilty have a way of trying to twist the guilt around.
So as this week edges on I'm freeing myself. I am a good person, I truly think of others, as I did with him.
I know who I am. I know how I went out of my way and how at the end it was all misconstrue. I now see its the unfaithful spouse who wants the faithful spouse to take full blame for their need to escape an "unhappy marriage". His last words that day on the 27th was he had to do what made him happy.
In this whole process I was made to feel I was insane due to the continually changing in "facts". My rage swells from him acting as a victim when all I did was give and give and change my life to keep him happy.
No more am I going to feel bad or wrong. I was truthful, honest, loyal, and caring. Its who I am and will always be with those I care for. This whole time I have been pulling along this chain of defect. Feeling I had messed up, but I didn't. I was simply living, geniuly. More than he can say.
I intend on continuing living that way, letting the false memories float away and taking from this I'm still the genuine Cari I was then, only stronger.
Yes I can be knocked and I can be weathered but I'm still me and for that I can hold my head up and be proud :)
Hopefully this will help someone else in my position. Being on the other side, looking back I'm glad I'm done with such a low life who didn't have the balls to own up to his own shortcoming. I'm glad to know the strength God has bestowed on me and finally the knowledge of finally being able to put the pieces together. The ah ha moment. Gods timing truly is perfect and He gives answers when you seek.
This was a shock to my system to say the least.
I thought by now I would be complete free, but as I learned a few weeks ago I still have anger and rage. I do believe its seeping out little by little and mostly I try my best to put it out of my mind, but then things come up. Like a repo man looking for him at my house. A place he's never existed. And I sent him and his whole posse an email, venting.
But I digress.
I want the rage completely gone, so I went searching. I found this article by Cathy Meyer. It was like opening a flood gate allowing my fears to be soothed and my anger doused.
She begans by stating there are two kinds of divorces, one that is bilateral in which both partners agree to leave. The other is unilateral where one is shell shocked. This is compounded when a third party is involved.
My divorce.
What I wanted to understand is what she explained. How could this person whom I knew for years, trusted, respected, loved could suddenly turn on me making me out to be this evil villain. Making it out like I should of known this all along.
Apparently certain psychological things start to happen in the mind of the unfaithful spouse in order to justify their actions. They began comparing their feelings for their spouse to those they have for the new person. Even though they are aware of the immorality of their actions they continue with the relationship meaning dealing with feelings of guilt. These feelings of guilt motivate them to demonize the faithful spouse in an attempt to justify their behavior
.
They will attribute many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. The faithful spouse may be portrayed as an inadequate wife and mother and even accused of being evil.Not only will the faithful spouse be demonized, history will be rewritten to make it appear that he/she has been faulty for the entire duration of the marriage. The unfaithful spouse will recreate the marriage and what happened during the marriage to make it appear that they have suffered much pain and unhappiness throughout the entire marriage. They may say things such as, "I was forced into marrying you" or, "You've never loved me the way I needed to be loved" or, "I have lived in hell for 20 years." He/She will say anything as long as it will enable him/her to appear to have been the victim of the marriage and fully justified in abandoning the family.
The unfaithful spouse will tell their story often and to anyone who will listen, to the point that they will finally begin to truly believe that the left behind spouse deserves to be punished. The faithful spouse is the offender and the persecutor and needs to be dealt with harshly. Punishment will come in the way of financial withholding or, even worse, fighting over custody for any children of the marriage. They may begin to believe that the faithful, demonized spouse is not entitled to receive any future benefits from them, sometimes not even those allowed by law.
In many cases the children will be used as tools to punish the faithful spouse, which leads to bitterness and emotional detriment to the children.
Although I did not have any children, I was punished. He made me feel everything I ever did was the worst thing possible.
Then on top of it he couldn't and still doesn't get why I'm not happy for him or agree with his actions. Meyer says no matter how much the faithful spouse is demoinzed he/she still feels the need of approval.
Just reading this article made my soul lighter. This whole time I still carried the weight of blame. Although I knew we both had short comings I never thought I deserved such awful conquences. I really thought we were happy and enjoying life.
After being out of his reign, I do realize now what true happiness is. I thought I truly was awful, but as this article shows, yes the guilty have a way of trying to twist the guilt around.
So as this week edges on I'm freeing myself. I am a good person, I truly think of others, as I did with him.
I know who I am. I know how I went out of my way and how at the end it was all misconstrue. I now see its the unfaithful spouse who wants the faithful spouse to take full blame for their need to escape an "unhappy marriage". His last words that day on the 27th was he had to do what made him happy.
In this whole process I was made to feel I was insane due to the continually changing in "facts". My rage swells from him acting as a victim when all I did was give and give and change my life to keep him happy.
No more am I going to feel bad or wrong. I was truthful, honest, loyal, and caring. Its who I am and will always be with those I care for. This whole time I have been pulling along this chain of defect. Feeling I had messed up, but I didn't. I was simply living, geniuly. More than he can say.
I intend on continuing living that way, letting the false memories float away and taking from this I'm still the genuine Cari I was then, only stronger.
Yes I can be knocked and I can be weathered but I'm still me and for that I can hold my head up and be proud :)
Hopefully this will help someone else in my position. Being on the other side, looking back I'm glad I'm done with such a low life who didn't have the balls to own up to his own shortcoming. I'm glad to know the strength God has bestowed on me and finally the knowledge of finally being able to put the pieces together. The ah ha moment. Gods timing truly is perfect and He gives answers when you seek.
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