cIty lIghts

People have said change is impossible. Don't try to ever change a person because it won't happen. The last point they may be right, cant make others change, but you can change you.
I was reading over my older blogs, and I had to smile to myself.

I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Nothing major has contributed to this, I'm just done living to please others. Now this may seem rude, crude, or selfish...it's not. It's finally realizing wow I've reached 29 and haven't lived for me. I've ben so consumed with everyone, their thoughts, opinions, and how my actions will affect them.

It's like a light went off.

I'm the one unhappy. I've been trying to help others reach their dreams and have put mine on the back burner. Those are also the same ppl who are chronically unhappy and never can be pleased.

My dreams? ....I've started a side knitting and photo business. Loving the ability to express my creativity that I have. Also wanting to run a marathon by next spring ;) I'm stoked.

My biggest change, taking those out of my life who are draining and judging me at every turn. I love the live and let live. Just because it's impossible for you to achieve, doesn't men it is for me.

Simply put...i want to be happy, and those around me to be uplifting and encouraging. Others need not to apply. I am done with doom abd gloom. Too much life to live so sadly. And I can't fix it for you.
So I've taken some drastic steps to remove said ppl from my life. It send a bit scary and maybe hurtful, but then I look at it like if I didn't remove them, I too would be suffocating right along with them.

new day....

ok, well today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I've allowed myself to "feather" out way too much and instead of truly working to shed the weight, I feel i've been playing around with it. So I am once again beginning today but I'm keeping myself accountable by journaling my progress. I can better keep up with my efforts and declines this way. Rather than talk myself into believeing I am doing good, I want proof.


The goal: to lose 80 lbs in 8 months so by feb 14th I will have reached my ideal weight. i want to do it all natural, no pills or gimics.




today i will begin by running after i get off work. three mile loop. my plan is to run three min and walk one

According to You...

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless
I can't do anything right

According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please
Forever changing my mind

I'm a mess in a dress,
can't show up on time
Even if it would save my life

According to you,
according to you

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible
He can't get me out of his head

According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it

So baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not

According to you

According to you
I'm boring,
I'm moody
And you can't take me any place

According to you
I suck at telling jokes'
Cause I always give it away

I'm the girl with the worst attention span
You're the boy who puts up with that

According to you,
according to you

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible
He can't get me out of his head

According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it

So baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not

According to you
I need to feel appreciated
Like I'm not hated, oh no

Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad, you're making me dizzy

But according to me
you're stupid,
you're useless

You can't do anything right

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible
He can't get me out of his head

According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it

Baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not

According to you, you

According to you, you

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless
I can't do anything right

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless
I can't do anything right

According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please

Brand New Day

Past terrors that sneak up on a perfectly sunny day. That's what nightmares are made up. The past making itself known when one thinks its long been buried.
The wonderful thing though, is the strength gained. All trails, all terrors, all gloomy days can be seen as blessings. Its during these times God truly shows Himself because it when we need Him the most.
When the tides of life threaten, we know He's already secured us a boat, insuring smooth sailing. :)

Reflections...

Two years ago to the date, I was literally going through Hell. This was the week I found out my then husband was leaving me for another.
This was a shock to my system to say the least.
I thought by now I would be complete free, but as I learned a few weeks ago I still have anger and rage. I do believe its seeping out little by little and mostly I try my best to put it out of my mind, but then things come up. Like a repo man looking for him at my house. A place he's never existed. And I sent him and his whole posse an email, venting.
But I digress.
I want the rage completely gone, so I went searching. I found this article by Cathy Meyer. It was like opening a flood gate allowing my fears to be soothed and my anger doused.
She begans by stating there are two kinds of divorces, one that is bilateral in which both partners agree to leave. The other is unilateral where one is shell shocked. This is compounded when a third party is involved.
My divorce.
What I wanted to understand is what she explained. How could this person whom I knew for years, trusted, respected, loved could suddenly turn on me making me out to be this evil villain. Making it out like I should of known this all along.
Apparently certain psychological things start to happen in the mind of the unfaithful spouse in order to justify their actions. They began comparing their feelings for their spouse to those they have for the new person. Even though they are aware of the immorality of their actions they continue with the relationship meaning dealing with feelings of guilt. These feelings of guilt motivate them to demonize the faithful spouse in an attempt to justify their behavior
.
They will attribute many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. The faithful spouse may be portrayed as an inadequate wife and mother and even accused of being evil.Not only will the faithful spouse be demonized, history will be rewritten to make it appear that he/she has been faulty for the entire duration of the marriage. The unfaithful spouse will recreate the marriage and what happened during the marriage to make it appear that they have suffered much pain and unhappiness throughout the entire marriage. They may say things such as, "I was forced into marrying you" or, "You've never loved me the way I needed to be loved" or, "I have lived in hell for 20 years." He/She will say anything as long as it will enable him/her to appear to have been the victim of the marriage and fully justified in abandoning the family.

The unfaithful spouse will tell their story often and to anyone who will listen, to the point that they will finally begin to truly believe that the left behind spouse deserves to be punished. The faithful spouse is the offender and the persecutor and needs to be dealt with harshly. Punishment will come in the way of financial withholding or, even worse, fighting over custody for any children of the marriage. They may begin to believe that the faithful, demonized spouse is not entitled to receive any future benefits from them, sometimes not even those allowed by law.

In many cases the children will be used as tools to punish the faithful spouse, which leads to bitterness and emotional detriment to the children.

Although I did not have any children, I was punished. He made me feel everything I ever did was the worst thing possible.
Then on top of it he couldn't and still doesn't get why I'm not happy for him or agree with his actions. Meyer says no matter how much the faithful spouse is demoinzed he/she still feels the need of approval.

Just reading this article made my soul lighter. This whole time I still carried the weight of blame. Although I knew we both had short comings I never thought I deserved such awful conquences. I really thought we were happy and enjoying life.

After being out of his reign, I do realize now what true happiness is. I thought I truly was awful, but as this article shows, yes the guilty have a way of trying to twist the guilt around.

So as this week edges on I'm freeing myself. I am a good person, I truly think of others, as I did with him.

I know who I am. I know how I went out of my way and how at the end it was all misconstrue. I now see its the unfaithful spouse who wants the faithful spouse to take full blame for their need to escape an "unhappy marriage". His last words that day on the 27th was he had to do what made him happy.

In this whole process I was made to feel I was insane due to the continually changing in "facts". My rage swells from him acting as a victim when all I did was give and give and change my life to keep him happy.

No more am I going to feel bad or wrong. I was truthful, honest, loyal, and caring. Its who I am and will always be with those I care for. This whole time I have been pulling along this chain of defect. Feeling I had messed up, but I didn't. I was simply living, geniuly. More than he can say.
I intend on continuing living that way, letting the false memories float away and taking from this I'm still the genuine Cari I was then, only stronger.

Yes I can be knocked and I can be weathered but I'm still me and for that I can hold my head up and be proud :)

Hopefully this will help someone else in my position. Being on the other side, looking back I'm glad I'm done with such a low life who didn't have the balls to own up to his own shortcoming. I'm glad to know the strength God has bestowed on me and finally the knowledge of finally being able to put the pieces together. The ah ha moment. Gods timing truly is perfect and He gives answers when you seek.

self less giving

Today I was thinking about the first time I saw a homeless person. I was eleven on a sixth grade field trip to Washington DC. We were getting off the bus and as I was waiting I stared out the window. I saw this quite dirty man with a starkly beard pushing around a buggy filled with old rags, cans, and a gallon of water. I remember being confused as to why someone would choose to push around a nasty cart and dress how he was dressing.
It never occurred to me ppl actually are homeless and sleep on the streets with no food. My dad explain this heartbreaking fact to me and I was instantly filled with sadness. How awful it must be. My next thought was how I wanted to give him something. I had a whole bag of cookies that my dad took to him.
I wanted to help, simple. But then for the rest of the trip I was praised for how nice and sweet I was. To me it was a normal thing, instinct, someones in trouble you help. Problem was I enjoyed the praise. So simple giving began to intermingle with pride.
I believe this happens to everyone in life. Things begin with a simple, unjaded, raw emotion. Then ppl, pride, selfishness taint the pureness and joy of giving.
This can be said of relationships, love, life. Its when doing things for others come at a price. When you expect something back wither its money, a favor, or pride as in "look what I did". God didn't mean for us to live this way.
Giving of ones self is supposed to be self less. This doesn't mean if someone is continually tapping your resources you should let them. But for those who truly need and deserve it, then yes we should be self less in our love and time and if it is available financial.
I realize the only person we can control is ourselves. So this is my new year resolution, although a bit late, is to live a pure life this year and on out. Pure and simple, not these mean terrors ways of others but living the example Christ gave. Pure and simple.

unWanted...

I hate to see ppl hurt. I hate them clashing head on with problems esp if they are a repeat offender with that specific problem.
I want to help, I want to ease their burden. Problem is ppl become attached to said problem. Its their baby, their constant. Its become familiar to them, their safety blanket. Without being able to grip about it, they lose what they deem important. This problem(s) give them a part of their identity.
The trap I fall into is thinking they want out. Thinking they actually want to leave this burden behind them. They don't. Its become like and extra arm or leg, they identify with and are identify by it. Like some women who are overweight but truly don't take steps to fix it. Or adults who had abusive childhoods. Instead of wanting to work through the emotions they cling to them. Or divorced spouses. Instead of moving on letting go, they hold on tightly.
Then I make the mistake of intervening. Thinking they actually are expressing their feelings and concerns to me as something to work through.
No sadly its just something else to hold on to. Something else to grasp. If I'm not careful I fall into the same pit get wound by the same cord of despise.
This isn't me though. I'm tired of the knot in my stomach and shaking hands. I'm tired of the dooms day it brings. I don't like dwelling in sorrow and pity. I like taking the bulls by the horn, fix what I can and let God deal with the rest.
The realization is not everyone feels this way. Many many ppl enjoy the lake of despair. Not me not this gal. Every cloud has a silver lining, every rainbow has a pot of gold.

anywhere but here

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere
Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove
You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs And finally see what it means to be living
You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did
You got a fast car
But is it fast enough
so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way
I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling
I could be someone, be someone, be someone
You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving
You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

The beginning of this song appeals to me. A chance to uproot and start all over again.

Not just start over but to up and leave without a moments notice. I've always done the responsible thing. Never just lived for the moment or moved somewhere for the fun of it.

Just to up and leave. Go somewhere unplanned. Wing it in a big city.

Up and leave. Tingles the senses.

Now, I don't want to lose you
but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,I don't want to take you
but I don't want to be the one to cry.
And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.
(Chorus)
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.
Now, I could never change youI don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.
It makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.
(Chorus)
And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.
Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.
Oh, Oh, Oh, No

While working today I heard this song on the radio. I've heard it many times before but I've never listen to the words. Some of the thoughts conveyed made me stop and think about myself.

When ur heart has already been stommped on does it make it that much harder to accept love again? Is all the second guessing and critism due to not trusting myself. Scared of the unknown.

Scared of the out of the blue pain. Am I tainted now forever? Because one guy cheated on me does it mean I'm destined for all others to do the same?

Or am I over thinking?

Then comes the thought where do I belong? Where am I accepted?

Too many questions with too few answers.

im fine...

So tired of theses two words. I'm fine. 99% of ppl who say this aren't.
What's wrong with saying how u truly feel in a loving compassionate way rather than allowing everything to build up on the inside?

Women really aren't that hard to figure out. At least not me. I want appreciation. Real heartfelt thank u's. A few flowers here and there, sweet unproked kisses and loves u, texts saying "thinking of u", etc. Really not that complex

dReAmS

Again I awake with hints of despair and sadness. Its not even something I want. My relationship with him is over, why can't my inner mostness understand this. My dreams hide the truth of how it truly was. The truth of how much I truly despised being there.
I compare a lot when I shouldn't. I want a clean slate. If I had met sam first would I have appreciated him as much as I do? And everything we go through it makes us stronger.
So how does one overcome their own dreams. A place we can't get to?
I've been told dreams are a way ur brain works out things that are unsettled within u. I still feel like a failure having someone to leave u like that. It makes thoughts occur, like what was so awful about me it made someone pack up and leave when I was willing to put up with all the shit and stay.
Its the ultimate insult to have someone excuse u from their lives when they promised to always be there. Now I'm left with the distrusting all others and their promises.
Before I blindly believed ppl. Not sure how I feel. Maybe in my dreams I'm trying to still understand where and why it went so wrong esp since I didn't see it coming. No warning signs no memos.
If I can analyze it in my dreams then I can figure it out and maybe one day it will all make sense.
Then I won't have to worry out of the blue those I trust will turn on me.

Love Simplified

its been awhile. For a lot of things.
My divorce has been finalized for a while now. I'm with sam now. This thought both excites me and terrifies me at the same.
I'm excited for the wonderful relationship God has given me. Sam is a wonderful man who brings out the best in me. I'm not one who is used to being "noticed" or even thought of. He shows his love daily by the small mindful things he does for me.
I'm terrified because I'm scared I'm gonna screw it up. I'm terrified cause I've never been so happy. With my ex I was complacent. This was my life and well I was stuck in Hell.
I have recently begun to think what is true love? Is it bought? is it always romantic? Is it continuous "I loves u"?
I don't think any of those are true love. I believe true love is simple. It also has to grow and needs room. Meaning smootherring the other only makes it flee.
We are all individuals who need their own breathing room. I have been guilty of this. Trust has been a major issue for me. I think it is for anyone who has been cheated on. Trust is so important to allow love to bloom.
True love can be ruined by selfish actions when we don't realize we have them. Selfishness can come in forms of insecurities can continually doubting the other person.
The funny thing about lies is they all eventually come out on their own.
So why am I so scared? I'm scared of getting hurt again. But what if its not about getting hurt again. What if its the best thing yet?
The thing about God is He watches over, taking control,leading. What I've found is nothing like I've ever know.
All I'm trying to see the flaws, the snake in the ground, the hole. But what if their are no holes? What if I'm making this whole thing blow out of proportion? What if its just simple love? No strings no pit falls no out to get me?
I understand bad things in life sometimes happens but so do the good. What if we just take all the good things and try to turn them into bad cause then its what we expected? Why not expect all good things and the bad are just glitches?
Then it comes to allowing myself to be loved. To love myself so I can accept it from another. Where its no longer a far fetched idea. But a realistic one. I can be loved because I am lovable. Then it becomes quite simple.
Love is no longer elusive. Its been right in front of me the whole time. True love isn't even as hard as the movies make it out to be. Its finding someone to love me for me and loving him for him. And once that person is in ur life enjoy it. In the past I've made a circle try to fix in a square and was complacent about it. Now I've found a square that matches and it scared me.
The world has enough issues without me making it more than it is. Need to sit back and enjoy my squares :)

A letter...

Back in 2002 i went to Australia to work with IMB in helping a church with their youth group program. I didn't realize then how much God would also be working on my heart. Today while reading in my "travel" Bible, i call it this cause of how small it is, i found a paper my partner, Kellie, gave me.
At that point in my life i had never had a boyfriend, and not the stuff that goes along with it. Kellie gave me a letter, explaining it had come from God for me. Now i would like to share it with you. It explains what God has planned for us, and even if we slip off the trail, He'll get us back on track.


"Everyone wants to give himself to someone completely, to have a deep down relationship with another, and to be loved throughly and exclusively. But God says to a Christian, "No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone; until you are willing to give yourself totally and undeservingly to Me; until you have an intensely personal, unique relationship with Me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found----

Only then will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that i have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me, exclusive of other desires and longings. I want you to stop planning and stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing----

One that you cannot imagine. Please allow Me to bring it to you . You must wait, that is all. Don't be anxious. Don't look at the thing you want. You just keep looking up to Me or you'll miss what i want to show you. And then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a love more wonderful than any of you could dream of. I am working even this minute to have both of you ready at the same time. You must both be satisfied exclusively with Me and the gift i have prepared----

For this exemplifies your relationship with Me and this is the perfect love! I want you to see it in the flesh, a picture of your relationship with Me and the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that i offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am the Almighty God. Believe it and be satisfied."


Now sitting here after all that i've been through and what i know do i still believe this letter is true? And is it just about an external relationship?

I do believe this letter is quite true. I believe God, if we let Him, will and does prepare us for all things in life. He does this so we'll be more like Him. And being able to reread it, i see it's not just trusting God with our spouse, its about every aspect of our lives. To allow God to direct us in everything and all the while focusing on Him and being more like Him every minute of every day.

Is this easy and can we be perfect? No we are just humans, but the great news is God is and He continues to take us back and put us on His path.

Want to make God laugh?... Tell Him your plans :)

Honesty

This subject has been laid heavily on my heart. What is honesty?


The quality or condition of being honest; integrity.
Truthfulness; sincerity: in all honesty.

I am realizing its not just being honest with other people as in..."did you do this?" but honesty with yourself and your own emotions.
I got a really unexpected apology from my soon to be ex-husband Jason. All these emotions begun to swirl inside of me. He admitted to not being there for me at all in the relationship and not pulling his weight around. He admitted to marrying me for all the wrong reasons such as he didn't want another relationship to end, and he thought marriage would fix everything. Lastly he apologized for the way he ended it by cheating on me and admitted he did cheat because he was all but physically involved with her. He was into her with all his emotion, heart and soul.
Then he went on to say it was really easy at the beginning to lay all the blame on me. To look the other way and pretend life is good and i was just bad. He told me he found God 6 months ago for the first time in his life. He had always believed their was a God and believed he was a Christian but not eat, breath, live for God. He said through this his girlfriend, Jessica, has come to find God too and was baptisted this past Sunday.
Here is where i began to have the swirlly emotions. The fight inside between wanting to have God smite him where he stood....or.....to let it go. To allow Christ to fully work inside of me to let the puss and green goo of built up hate and anger flow out of my heart and soul. The honesty on my part is to really allow this to be gone. To finally once and for all hand this over to God. But the hurt part of my soul cried out this was too much to bear...to allow forgivness to a man who had cut me so hard to the bone....
But then a funny thing happened. God showed me again what happened to His son due to MY sin due to MY human nature. And He showed me the mercy and love God gave to me when i was LEAST of all deserving of it.
He had forgiven me...my sins were as far as the east is from the west. Honesty is saying how can i not give forgiveness when my own Father forgave me before i ever knew Him.
Humility is a very humbling experience. At once i realize what honesty is. Its turning to God saying "I'm hurt, but i don't want to experience this pain any longer. What is done is done, and You are Lord over it all. Please take this pain and make beauty from ashes."
He gave His all for me, why can't i do the same for Him? If it begins with me finally saying i do forgive and I allow Him to heal me and let me truly move on serving Him....then this is what i am to do this day. Things in this world happen...a lot we can't control...but the things we can control we should using Him as our example. He forgave me therefore i will forgive all others.

The Beginning

Its usually quite hard to tell where one chapter in a book ends and a new one begins without the chapter headers. In life we are not given such a clear and defientive separation of the different parts. Some are easier to see than others, like graduating from schools or a career. But how do you know when it all seems to run together?So far in my life it's been just one long chapter or it's how it has seemed. The shift i am going through right now seems to be the biggest one yet...hopefully the most dramatic.
My separation from my ex, Jason Keene, will be a year at the end of march. According to South Carolina law one must be seperated for a year before you can even take it to court. It's an uncontested divorce but not because i wanted it at the time. To begin a new chapter, one must put the past to rest, and i guess that's what i am doing with this blog. Will anyone ever actually read it? I don't know, really don't care, not really the point. The Point is to get it out and begin a new chapter of my life, whole and compelete.
I met jason off of match.com...i know how silly. From the beginning it was a huge mismatch between us. I am very extervert, outgoing, friendly, etc. He was very painfully quiet. Since our seperation I have been going to a therapist to help not only to deal with such a shock to the system but to figure why and how i got in the position i did. I have the nurturing, caring type of personality. I want to be taken care of but i have a strong impulse to help others, sometimes to a point of dening myself what i need from a partner.
Anyways we starting dating and i got to know him more and more. I was in college trying to finish my degree in Biology and Chemistry and he was living at home working at Wal-mart. I was quite taken with the fact he claimed to be a Christian and had strong family ties. I enjoyed the attention, the importance that comes with dating someone. My self esteem was also quite low at this time and it just felt good to have someone.
Throughout our relationship we had ups and downs, times when i did call it off and times when i should have never entertained the thoughts of taking him back. We fought a lot. I wanted to live and go out. I wanted to enjoy life, he wanted to stay home and talk to his "girls" one of which would convince him i was no good. And the funny part of that was she was right. He was no good for me, and i not for him.
When you are with someone not on the same level as you, not the same mind thought, not the same ambition, things become frayed. I wanted a partner who loved the Lord whole mind thought and soul as me. When i would try to do evening devotionals with him he would fall asleep, or a prayer partner, he would wuss out of it. Try gettin him to go to church with me, he'ld come up with excuses as to why its so much better to not go cause church is full of hypocrites..i believe church is what you bring to it...if you believe hypocrites are there then usually its cause you are one. You tend to accuse others of what yourself is guility of. And if you are looking for somehting you will usually find it...so if you move your eyes to find loving ppl then that's whats there.
Anyways, it got bad, but i didn't know how to break it, didn't know how to leave cause i was scared if i left, this was before we got married, then he wouldn't know how to survive. I did everything in the relationship from getting the house we lived in to paying the bills to working two jobs to make sure there was enough for us to pay for everything.
I think a lot of people stay with the situation they are with because to them it's normal...its what they know. Changing themselves or their situation puts them into unknown territory. It because too scary, and plus everyone kept telling me how good i was for him, so maybe it was pride.
Anyways the end started with his fasitionation with having girls as friends, cause as he put it he just didn't know how to get along with the man's man. Apart of me still truly believes he could be gay and not realizing it. His family also thought this for a long time before i came along.
Anyways this one girl in particular..he worked with her and she was engaged. So he came to me asking about double dating complaining he wanted friends. Quite a hard thing to do if you're inverted.
So long story short i said sure...they got closer...she and her man didn't know how to love and she became jealous of what we had. Problem is what we had was a mirage....looks good from far away but it's all fake when you get close. Anyways on the outside he looked like he had it together and was responsible, but truthfully i was pulling all the weight. So when i had had enough with her constant calling and him becoming distant i put my foot down and said no more. This lead to them "talking" at work.
On March 27 2008 he calls me at work and tells me hes' in love with her and chooses her. I tried to talk him into couseling, i tried to stop it all from falling around me. He wanted us to contiunue to be friends and help each other out.
What i learned is boundaries are very important, one person shouldn't suck all the life out of another, relationships aren't supposed to be draining, God knows when people talk about loving Him but aren't sincere about it, partners are supposed to be just that, and some people really aren't mature when they pretend to be.
Mirages don't just happen in the desert...they can happen to a person whom you thought was one person and really is just that...a fake, was then and always will be. Person whos talks a good talk at first and tries to look good, but really no substance to back up their talk.
So a new chapter is beginning with a defientive end to the last one. I have and will continue to learn a great deal about myself and thankful knowing God truly has had a hand in all that has come my way. He truly makes beauty from ashes....