cIty lIghts

People have said change is impossible. Don't try to ever change a person because it won't happen. The last point they may be right, cant make others change, but you can change you.
I was reading over my older blogs, and I had to smile to myself.

I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Nothing major has contributed to this, I'm just done living to please others. Now this may seem rude, crude, or selfish...it's not. It's finally realizing wow I've reached 29 and haven't lived for me. I've ben so consumed with everyone, their thoughts, opinions, and how my actions will affect them.

It's like a light went off.

I'm the one unhappy. I've been trying to help others reach their dreams and have put mine on the back burner. Those are also the same ppl who are chronically unhappy and never can be pleased.

My dreams? ....I've started a side knitting and photo business. Loving the ability to express my creativity that I have. Also wanting to run a marathon by next spring ;) I'm stoked.

My biggest change, taking those out of my life who are draining and judging me at every turn. I love the live and let live. Just because it's impossible for you to achieve, doesn't men it is for me.

Simply put...i want to be happy, and those around me to be uplifting and encouraging. Others need not to apply. I am done with doom abd gloom. Too much life to live so sadly. And I can't fix it for you.
So I've taken some drastic steps to remove said ppl from my life. It send a bit scary and maybe hurtful, but then I look at it like if I didn't remove them, I too would be suffocating right along with them.

new day....

ok, well today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I've allowed myself to "feather" out way too much and instead of truly working to shed the weight, I feel i've been playing around with it. So I am once again beginning today but I'm keeping myself accountable by journaling my progress. I can better keep up with my efforts and declines this way. Rather than talk myself into believeing I am doing good, I want proof.


The goal: to lose 80 lbs in 8 months so by feb 14th I will have reached my ideal weight. i want to do it all natural, no pills or gimics.




today i will begin by running after i get off work. three mile loop. my plan is to run three min and walk one

According to You...

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless
I can't do anything right

According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please
Forever changing my mind

I'm a mess in a dress,
can't show up on time
Even if it would save my life

According to you,
according to you

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible
He can't get me out of his head

According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it

So baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not

According to you

According to you
I'm boring,
I'm moody
And you can't take me any place

According to you
I suck at telling jokes'
Cause I always give it away

I'm the girl with the worst attention span
You're the boy who puts up with that

According to you,
according to you

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible
He can't get me out of his head

According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it

So baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not

According to you
I need to feel appreciated
Like I'm not hated, oh no

Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad, you're making me dizzy

But according to me
you're stupid,
you're useless

You can't do anything right

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible
He can't get me out of his head

According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it

Baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not

According to you, you

According to you, you

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless
I can't do anything right

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless
I can't do anything right

According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please

Brand New Day

Past terrors that sneak up on a perfectly sunny day. That's what nightmares are made up. The past making itself known when one thinks its long been buried.
The wonderful thing though, is the strength gained. All trails, all terrors, all gloomy days can be seen as blessings. Its during these times God truly shows Himself because it when we need Him the most.
When the tides of life threaten, we know He's already secured us a boat, insuring smooth sailing. :)

Reflections...

Two years ago to the date, I was literally going through Hell. This was the week I found out my then husband was leaving me for another.
This was a shock to my system to say the least.
I thought by now I would be complete free, but as I learned a few weeks ago I still have anger and rage. I do believe its seeping out little by little and mostly I try my best to put it out of my mind, but then things come up. Like a repo man looking for him at my house. A place he's never existed. And I sent him and his whole posse an email, venting.
But I digress.
I want the rage completely gone, so I went searching. I found this article by Cathy Meyer. It was like opening a flood gate allowing my fears to be soothed and my anger doused.
She begans by stating there are two kinds of divorces, one that is bilateral in which both partners agree to leave. The other is unilateral where one is shell shocked. This is compounded when a third party is involved.
My divorce.
What I wanted to understand is what she explained. How could this person whom I knew for years, trusted, respected, loved could suddenly turn on me making me out to be this evil villain. Making it out like I should of known this all along.
Apparently certain psychological things start to happen in the mind of the unfaithful spouse in order to justify their actions. They began comparing their feelings for their spouse to those they have for the new person. Even though they are aware of the immorality of their actions they continue with the relationship meaning dealing with feelings of guilt. These feelings of guilt motivate them to demonize the faithful spouse in an attempt to justify their behavior
.
They will attribute many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. The faithful spouse may be portrayed as an inadequate wife and mother and even accused of being evil.Not only will the faithful spouse be demonized, history will be rewritten to make it appear that he/she has been faulty for the entire duration of the marriage. The unfaithful spouse will recreate the marriage and what happened during the marriage to make it appear that they have suffered much pain and unhappiness throughout the entire marriage. They may say things such as, "I was forced into marrying you" or, "You've never loved me the way I needed to be loved" or, "I have lived in hell for 20 years." He/She will say anything as long as it will enable him/her to appear to have been the victim of the marriage and fully justified in abandoning the family.

The unfaithful spouse will tell their story often and to anyone who will listen, to the point that they will finally begin to truly believe that the left behind spouse deserves to be punished. The faithful spouse is the offender and the persecutor and needs to be dealt with harshly. Punishment will come in the way of financial withholding or, even worse, fighting over custody for any children of the marriage. They may begin to believe that the faithful, demonized spouse is not entitled to receive any future benefits from them, sometimes not even those allowed by law.

In many cases the children will be used as tools to punish the faithful spouse, which leads to bitterness and emotional detriment to the children.

Although I did not have any children, I was punished. He made me feel everything I ever did was the worst thing possible.
Then on top of it he couldn't and still doesn't get why I'm not happy for him or agree with his actions. Meyer says no matter how much the faithful spouse is demoinzed he/she still feels the need of approval.

Just reading this article made my soul lighter. This whole time I still carried the weight of blame. Although I knew we both had short comings I never thought I deserved such awful conquences. I really thought we were happy and enjoying life.

After being out of his reign, I do realize now what true happiness is. I thought I truly was awful, but as this article shows, yes the guilty have a way of trying to twist the guilt around.

So as this week edges on I'm freeing myself. I am a good person, I truly think of others, as I did with him.

I know who I am. I know how I went out of my way and how at the end it was all misconstrue. I now see its the unfaithful spouse who wants the faithful spouse to take full blame for their need to escape an "unhappy marriage". His last words that day on the 27th was he had to do what made him happy.

In this whole process I was made to feel I was insane due to the continually changing in "facts". My rage swells from him acting as a victim when all I did was give and give and change my life to keep him happy.

No more am I going to feel bad or wrong. I was truthful, honest, loyal, and caring. Its who I am and will always be with those I care for. This whole time I have been pulling along this chain of defect. Feeling I had messed up, but I didn't. I was simply living, geniuly. More than he can say.
I intend on continuing living that way, letting the false memories float away and taking from this I'm still the genuine Cari I was then, only stronger.

Yes I can be knocked and I can be weathered but I'm still me and for that I can hold my head up and be proud :)

Hopefully this will help someone else in my position. Being on the other side, looking back I'm glad I'm done with such a low life who didn't have the balls to own up to his own shortcoming. I'm glad to know the strength God has bestowed on me and finally the knowledge of finally being able to put the pieces together. The ah ha moment. Gods timing truly is perfect and He gives answers when you seek.

self less giving

Today I was thinking about the first time I saw a homeless person. I was eleven on a sixth grade field trip to Washington DC. We were getting off the bus and as I was waiting I stared out the window. I saw this quite dirty man with a starkly beard pushing around a buggy filled with old rags, cans, and a gallon of water. I remember being confused as to why someone would choose to push around a nasty cart and dress how he was dressing.
It never occurred to me ppl actually are homeless and sleep on the streets with no food. My dad explain this heartbreaking fact to me and I was instantly filled with sadness. How awful it must be. My next thought was how I wanted to give him something. I had a whole bag of cookies that my dad took to him.
I wanted to help, simple. But then for the rest of the trip I was praised for how nice and sweet I was. To me it was a normal thing, instinct, someones in trouble you help. Problem was I enjoyed the praise. So simple giving began to intermingle with pride.
I believe this happens to everyone in life. Things begin with a simple, unjaded, raw emotion. Then ppl, pride, selfishness taint the pureness and joy of giving.
This can be said of relationships, love, life. Its when doing things for others come at a price. When you expect something back wither its money, a favor, or pride as in "look what I did". God didn't mean for us to live this way.
Giving of ones self is supposed to be self less. This doesn't mean if someone is continually tapping your resources you should let them. But for those who truly need and deserve it, then yes we should be self less in our love and time and if it is available financial.
I realize the only person we can control is ourselves. So this is my new year resolution, although a bit late, is to live a pure life this year and on out. Pure and simple, not these mean terrors ways of others but living the example Christ gave. Pure and simple.

unWanted...

I hate to see ppl hurt. I hate them clashing head on with problems esp if they are a repeat offender with that specific problem.
I want to help, I want to ease their burden. Problem is ppl become attached to said problem. Its their baby, their constant. Its become familiar to them, their safety blanket. Without being able to grip about it, they lose what they deem important. This problem(s) give them a part of their identity.
The trap I fall into is thinking they want out. Thinking they actually want to leave this burden behind them. They don't. Its become like and extra arm or leg, they identify with and are identify by it. Like some women who are overweight but truly don't take steps to fix it. Or adults who had abusive childhoods. Instead of wanting to work through the emotions they cling to them. Or divorced spouses. Instead of moving on letting go, they hold on tightly.
Then I make the mistake of intervening. Thinking they actually are expressing their feelings and concerns to me as something to work through.
No sadly its just something else to hold on to. Something else to grasp. If I'm not careful I fall into the same pit get wound by the same cord of despise.
This isn't me though. I'm tired of the knot in my stomach and shaking hands. I'm tired of the dooms day it brings. I don't like dwelling in sorrow and pity. I like taking the bulls by the horn, fix what I can and let God deal with the rest.
The realization is not everyone feels this way. Many many ppl enjoy the lake of despair. Not me not this gal. Every cloud has a silver lining, every rainbow has a pot of gold.